Monday, October 19, 2009
Wow, once again its been a long time. I have so much to say and so little time. Well yesterday was Tiki's 21st birthday. How many years have passed since I began this blog? Far too many.... I have grown old and distant. I don't care much for my fellow man, but still I care... The general public I have no preference for, but there are a few people, very few and far between, that I actually care about. Generally it is the elderly, but sometimes when I see children that have deadbeats for parents, i spread the generosity hoping that someday they will be able to pay it forward.
Honestly, right now, I'm only typing because I forgot the whole point I even came to this site right now................. *thinking* ................................................................
I threw up in the shower tonite, I had like 5 beers, so not enough to drink to cause me to ralph.... maybe its cause I make myself sick?
I was thinking tonite.... as to why I feel the need to "prove" myself to other human beings, like I need to "prove myself" or impress them to receive their acceptance... I don't know why I feel like that, and I didn't really realize I was doing it until tonite.... The same with my right arm, I always bring it to my chest, like I'm some kinda special person, its weird. I noticed it first playing darts, and then I notice I do it all the time....
Must be the anxiety....
I notice it all the time, when I see a bug, when I don't want to touch something, when I get nervous subconsiously and then realize I'm a little nervous.... just whenever.
I forgot to brush my teeth.
So you realize out of the last 7 sentences, (including this one), 5 of them started with I.
Why Do i Always Talk About Myself?
Really, I try not to, but it's always becasue I'm trying to prove something to someone.
Tomorrow (Because that's my only option), I'm going to start focusing on how other people are, relate to them, but not talk about myself or my life. Think of it as an experiment..... let's see how that goes.
Remember............ no " I ".... I hope I can do it....
Posted at 11:16 pm by tobygirlisme
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Well, it certainly has been a while since I have been on here. Unfortunately it is the only place that I can think of that my feelings are safe, which really doesn't make sense as this is an onlihe blog. What I mean is that it is safe from people that I know and talk to every day of my life. Mostly my fiance. I love him so much but he is such a fucking asshole. I want to leave him I think, and I think I will. It is such a hard decision to make, I love him with all my heart, but his lies..... I can't take the lies from him anymore. I just don't know what to do. It is so nerve wracking. Things are fine otherwise, just his lying. Why can't he tell me he was at the bar on saturday? I know he was!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do.... Stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I could financially, I would just pick up and leave, go wherever. Unfortunately things are not so simple. How hard is it for him to just tell me the truth? I don't think that it is that hard really. Being honest. Lies are so much harder to deal with. I would rather deal with the truth than to lie to someone. I wish i could just stop caring. I feel like crying all the time because of him. WHY CAN"T MY LIFE EVER GO SMOOTHLY? I don't do this to myself, I am not crazy.... honestly.... I can't do this anymore.
Posted at 4:15 pm by tobygirlisme
Thursday, May 14, 2009
:( I'm sad
Posted at 7:32 pm by tobygirlisme
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
so many years later and i still want to die
Posted at 6:44 pm by tobygirlisme
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
and its year 3............................
today marks three years tiki... it only seems like yesterday that i was going to mississippi ... i love you tiki.
Posted at 10:36 pm by tobygirlisme
Saturday, March 31, 2007
i think i am going to drive my car, at a very high speed, into a building.... i think
Posted at 8:44 pm by tobygirlisme
Thursday, March 15, 2007
everything is as it is, as it is, as is
well... i guess this is life. so many memories so many faded faded memories. here i am, still in the same boat, somewhat. so many thoughts flying through my head, its hard to keep track of them all...
"I woke up and wished that I were dead, an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed,..."
i miss so much, it really isn't healthy to hang on to the past so much,.. what am i doing here? how did i let this happen, where did everything and everyone go? what the fuck happened???? where did i go wrong, i think i know... EVERYTHING i did was wrong.
i was such a foolish foolish girl, i destroyed so many relationships with my horrible decisions... so many opportunities.... everything has changed now and i am left behind, left behind.........
hey hey hey hey..... ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh.....won't you come see about me... dancing alone, you know it baby. don't you... forget about me...
i am merely a ghost now.... faded and frightning. and a ghost i shall remain. until i am reborn, if it will ever happen, i doubt it. i shall simply float among the existance.... hollowed out and nothing left to take, not even my pride.
Posted at 10:08 pm by tobygirlisme
Thursday, August 11, 2005
murp murp.... round and round we go
i'm in love again... on a pathway to destruction...
you'll know more later... it's time to go feed the fire...
Posted at 4:50 am by tobygirlisme
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Posted at 9:15 am by tobygirlisme
Monday, April 04, 2005
OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy am i crabby
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo crabby i cannot stand it. i stayed at brad's all weekend and i made him happy every morning before he went to work >:)
i'm terrible i know. i have to poop... just kidding... hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
i'm just A D D and shit... i need to catch a buzz... that's why. i also need to get the fuck out of school. i am so sick of school i could puke.
Posted at 1:25 pm by tobygirlisme